5 Stumbling Blocks to Experiencing True Joy and Peace
This is my personal testimony. I thought it’s time I share so you can be edified, enlightened, and educated on the source of my faith.
I’d always been drawn to the allure of Hollywood. At age 26, I moved myself from South Florida to Los Angeles seeking a producing job with the most popular celebrity news show at the time, “Entertainment Tonight.” Instead, I landed a coveted producer position with an exciting new cable network, E! Entertainment Television. I was on top of the world. I scored my dream job interviewing celebrities while being handed backstage passes to the biggest concerts, events, and award shows, and getting behind the scenes access to my favorite TV programs.
Mementos from my days working at E! Entertainment Television from 1991 to 1995. Some of the most fun times in my life.
My collection of press passes chronicling my 32-year media career. The very first is the yellow one in the center when I was a producer for WPEC-TV in West Palm Beach. I was sent on assignment to Hollywood, Florida, where the Hollywood Squares TV game show was on location in Hollywood, Florida. I covered it and interviewed my first celebrity, Joan Rivers.
Some Background
I was raised by loving strict Catholic parents, never missing Sunday mass. But the budding journalist in me was curious, asking questions of Catholicism no one could answer. Like why the pope had more access to God than me? And why I had to confess my sins to a man in a dark closet and then recite 10 “Our Fathers” and five “Hail Marys” to atone for my sins? I also wondered why God would be mad if I missed Sunday mass. I never thought too much about my faith at that time despite years of CCD (Catholic education classes; still don’t know what CCD stands for) and four years of Catholic high school. I went through the motions to appease my parents. All the while, God was trying to get my attention using my parents to nudge me in that direction.
STUMBLING BLOCK #1: Not listening to that “still small voice” (1 Kings 19: 11-13) during my formative years that my parents tried to nurture through a Christian foundation (Proverbs 22:6). The world’s voice was louder and more attractive to me than God’s voice.
My mind was all on fun and pushing boundaries in high school. Here I am at right performing a strip tease act in the senior class variety show with my friend Tracy. Really!? We did this at a Catholic High School.
Taken in bedroom in my home in Woodstock, New York, in 1982, my senior year of high school. My swimming and track ribbons hang on the wall above the photos of the many high school proms I attended—six in four years! Being popular and liked is what I was seeking.
Now on my own at the University of Florida, I stopped going to church because my parents weren’t around to demand it. I know it made them sad, but I was a young adult. I attended a few masses at the Catholic church near college, but in the end, I felt it was a waste of my time. I can honestly say that during my college years I never really knew God or paid attention to Him. I had fun, got good grades, partied some like most girls in college, and flirted with the boys. I lost my virginity in freshman year to my first real serious boyfriend. It all seemed innocent to me.
STUMBLING BLOCK #2: Sowing to my flesh (Galatians 6:8). I chose to ignore God’s ways because I honestly thought I’d miss out on all the fun in life. I didn’t even know what God’s ways were and I didn’t seem to care.
One of the many fun things I did in college was join a fraternity as a “little sister.” Here I am with a guy I dated for a short time at the Bed Time Social event where we all wore pajamas. My roommate Sally is here with her boyfriend.
After graduating college, I returned to South Florida landing my first job as a producer for the local news in West Palm Beach. At 24, I met a guy who invited me to a Protestant church. I was a little nervous because as a Catholic, I always felt there was this stigma that forbade Catholics from walking into a Protestant church. So, I felt like a rebel when my boyfriend took me to services at a Presbyterian church. Attending that very first gathering, which consisted of some Christian music by a guitarist, a short live play with an inspirational theme, and a sermon by a middle-age vibrant and engaging married pastor, my interest was piqued. I actually paid attention to his sermon instead of counting the minutes until I could leave.
Sunday after Sunday, the faith in God that my parents tried to instill in me through all those years of Catholic education and Sunday masses began to stir anew in my soul. As a journalist, I’ve always been a seeker of truth. Our souls were designed to seek after what is right and just. We are all made in the image of God, the Creator of truth (Genesis 1:26). Unfortunately, most of us don’t know this.
I continued attending Sunday services and mid-week praise and worship nights. I even joined the “New Members” class at this Presbyterian church. At one point, I was asked to help a church staff member facilitate a weekly Bible study. One day, when the staff member couldn’t make it, I was asked to step in and lead. I was so nervous feeling like a fake, but the leader in me rose to the challenge. God was beginning “a good work in me” as it says in Philippians 1:6. I just didn’t know it yet. What I did know was the curiosity I had about God, His son Jesus and how faith works was just starting to come together. Thinking back, what drew me in was the “life” and “light” I felt among the people I encountered there. It was contagious.
All the while, I was having sex with my boyfriend, going to bars and discos with friends, and living a fun life that any woman in her mid-20s would do living in “cool” hip South Florida in the late 1980s. I never believed that I was doing anything wrong or engaging in activities that would affect my soul negatively later on in life, except, ahhh...I did have a deep knowing that having sex outside of marriage was a sin. I chose to ignore it.
STUMBLING BLOCK #3: Serving two masters—one foot in the world, one foot trying to please God. You can’t have it both ways or else your life will eventually crumble. (See Matthew 6:24)
My 20s were spent seeking after fun while working television producing jobs. Here I am at the height of my party girl days with a work buddy at a nightclub in Miami. Allow me to define party girl: I did no drugs; just enjoyed a good cocktail, dancing, and flirting with the opposite sex.
Fast forward (again) to age 26. I’m living in an apartment in North Hollywood, California, working as Senior Producer at E! Entertainment Television. My after-work party-girl attitude was in full swing, balanced by a demanding media job that I took very seriously. I church shopped the Los Angeles area attending a few different Protestant churches. God, in all His faithfulness though, was wooing me. I think back to a few key people He brought into my life who started asking me the hard questions like, “Are you saved?” Of course, I am! I was raised Catholic. “Who is your source for wisdom?” Me, because I felt like I knew all the things I needed to know. I work in media. Producers know the news before the public does.
STUMBLING BLOCK #4: Focusing on self, my own knowledge and wisdom, and having a prideful and haughty attitude. (See 1 Samuel 2:3, Proverbs 16:5, Proverbs 11:12, Philippians 2:3)
By age 30, stress was setting in. Anxiety is taking hold and I’m always exasperated. I’m not feeling a strong connection to my small circle of female friends (always felt superficial), and my dating life with guys left me with zero fulfillment. I was making a lot of bad choices there. Work is still fun and satisfying, but there were lots of demands that put my brain on overload. I honestly didn’t even know the word “peace” or anyone who had peace back then (the early to mid-1990s). We were all on a hamster wheel moving to the tune of our own drummers. When squeezed or pressed, I’d get angry and demand my own way. I felt like I knew everything and that everyone was wrong. Looking back, I call those years “The World According to Gen.”
I was still going to church occasionally, but my busy career, and required movie screenings and “after parties” left me little time for Bible studies or anything else that would help grow my faith. My career was my world.
STUMBLING BLOCK #5: Succeeding in the world with no real and true power source. (See Matthew 16:26)
My Eventual Crash and Realizing My Need for Surrendering Control
By 32, I was exhausted mentally and emotionally. I simply couldn’t do “it” any longer. I felt like I kept running into brick walls in spite of my growing salary and bank account. Why was that? Wasn’t all this success supposed to produce happiness? That was what I was told growing up. I was also very lonely. I called my mom a lot, often crying that I felt so alone. She’d say, “Come home. Move back to Florida.” I just knew that was not the answer I was seeking. Quite frankly, I didn’t know what I was seeking. I just knew the life I created and the one-dimensional relationships I moved through were not filling up my soul in the way that I needed.
Taking up motorcycling was pivotal to getting me to rediscover God. Here I am at age 32 in 1996 on my first overnight motorcycle trip, to the Laughlin River Run in Nevada. I rode there from my home in Los Angeles. I found God out on the highways and byways of the western landscapes.
One day, while in my bathroom in my apartment after another tiresome workday, I dropped to my knees head falling forward to the floor and wept. I was there for many minutes. Then, I cried out to God with my head still buried. “Help me! What am I doing wrong? What is the answer? Please tell me!”
I sat in silence with a racing heartbeat. More minutes passed. I took a deep breath. My heart rate began to slow down. Then, I felt “a calm” enter the room. It drew near to me. Now this wasn’t some big-time supernatural experience, but I know that whatever entered my bathroom moved me to lift my head from the floor, tears streaming down my face while my arms lifted skyward ever so gently. The words that came out of my mouth were, “God, I surrender. I surrender. I can’t do it any longer. I need Your help.”
I sat there on my knees motionless realizing what I just did—speaking out loud to a God I hardly knew. As my arms and gaze lowered, I felt a sense of peace flow through my body. I thought to myself, “Did I just surrender to You, God?”
The Light Comes To Me!
It would be years until I fully understood Peace and Truth that entered my bathroom that day, but what I knew at that moment was that I felt lighter, like I didn’t have to bear the responsibility of the weight of the world on my shoulders anymore. I had this strong sense that God was there to help me; that handing over control of my life to the God of the universe, the God who gave us His son, Jesus, was there to help me get through this life. I knew this deep in my soul. I felt a real shift that evening.
From that day forward, I made time for church. I bought books about God and purchased my first Bible getting my name inscribed on the leather cover. I didn’t have a spiritual friend leading me. Looking back, God was the One guiding me to a better understanding of Himself, His Kingdom, and what it meant that He sent Jesus to earth to save me from myself, that is, save me from my sins and fleshly behavior where I thought I was “doing good” in life. Performing for others and pleasing people while serving my own needs all came at a cost. My head space was messed up because it was contrary to what my soul desired most, a relationship with my Creator, God, who knit me together in my mother’s womb (Psalm 139:13) and who would carry me through this life. I just needed to invite Him in to do so.
My first Bible. It’s a teaching Bible called the Life Application Bible in the New Living Translation (NLT). It helped me understand things easily. I credit this for helping build a new foundation on what it means to be a follower of Jesus.
Eventually, I gave all parts of my life to God, inviting Jesus to live inside my heart by His Holy Spirit. By doing so, I secured my place in Heaven to live eternally with Jesus. The Bible promises me that in that famous Bible verse John 3:16. The calm this produces in my soul, knowing there is more to this life on earth, is indescribable. I wish it for everyone. Beside this assurance, having the Holy Spirit inside my heart, produced a feeling that I no longer had to try so hard to “be” and “do” as I had Jesus walking beside me spiritually guiding me along in this life to bear the weight of my burdens. Jesus is Peace. Jesus is Truth. I found it! I found what I was looking for.
One of the biggest shifts in my soul moving forward was addressing my sex life as a single woman. I had to take stock of what God says about having sex outside of marriage. And now, if I had to do it all over again, as a woman with my husband for 21 years, I wish I never had sex until I married him. I’ll write about why in another testimony. But realizing my need for a savior, my life slowly transformed into one with peace, which led to a measure of joy, which led to knowing the only true source of truth and wisdom, which led me to learning to love others with real compassion.
God tells us “Those who cling to their lives will give up true life. But those who let go of their lives for My sake and surrender it all to Me will discover true life.” That’s in Matthew 10:39. He also tell us that “Our sins are washed away and we are made clean because Christ gave His own body as a gift to God. He did this once for all time.” See Hebrews 10:10.
In a field of wildflowers while backpacking on the Teton Crest Trail high above Jackson, Wyoming, years later. Knowing God and having Jesus by my side all these years gives me a hope and encouragement that I otherwise would not have. It also makes moments like this so over the top amazing because I feel God all around me in his creation.
If any of this resonates with you, or you’re curious to discover what true life really is, free from the weight that burdens you, please reach out as I’d love to come alongside you and introduce you to the God who saved me from myself. And if you feel led, please leave a comment. I love hearing from you. Feel free, as well, to share with a young person in your life. My heart is to reach the younger generation. God bless.